The Monster I've Become

Have you ever read The Never Ending Story? In this story a young boy is transported into a book to a mythical make-believe world along with his friends. However, the world is slowly being eaten by a dark gas called The Nothing. He loses two friends to the nothing. In the story he says, "If I was fighting against something, I could have saved them. But I was fighting against nothing so I couldn't." I think that is what is inside my mind right now. I have it wrapped around a Nothing and it's really bothering me. But because I don't know what it is I can't fight it or even begin to understand it. It creeps up on me in the worst of times and saddens me to state I didn't know possible. And I fear that I am the problem.

For the past four days this has seriously bothered me and I couldn't do anything about it. In my last post I attempted to explain some of the things I was bothering myself about, but I couldn't understand it still. So yesterday was one of the most beautiful days I have seen in quite some time. I decided I would utilize it and hopefully whatever this mood that I'm coming down with would disappear. I got done with my homework super early today and took a drive to my church an entire hour early. I decided I would appreciate the countryside that my church lies on and relax a bit in the softened ground. I took my camera too and I took a lot of beautiful pictures and that always makes me happy. Looking at the little things that we step on everyday in a different way, makes life seem much more beautiful. We even spent most of our time during church outside relaxing. When we got inside I was feeling wonderful and I could have sworn that I was all cured from my Blues (or whatever they are.)

Then it hit that night. Harder than I could have hoped for. That Nothing came back with full force and pushed me to the edge of suicide, kinda. And it was fueled by something I did. I did thet worst possible thing I think I could ever do. That night I think I hurt one of my friends. Or at least angered him. I was bothering him all night long about something, and I think he has kind of associated me with annoying now. This person is a really neat person that I really like to talk to. I guess I was just trying to hard to be his friend. And now I know that I was a monster to him. But he's not just the only one. I bet other people see me this way as well. Obnoxious and uncaring, is probably underneath this facade. I know I've let other people down in my life and I probably caused grief for other friends also. I've imposed one too many times and look what it has turned me into. I've allowd all of this to happen. And because of that I have created a Nothing in my head and it's eating me from the inside out. I am a monster and I have spawned one too. What's more I can't listen to my music except for the Blues, and it's raining like a madman today. I swear this is all an omen. I guess I just apologize for my monster inside. I will control it, and keep it locked up from now on. "Don't look at the monster I've become."