"You're right. I'm a terrible person. Shoot me why dontcha?"

You know what I hear over and over again from just about everybody? "You're such a nice person. In fact you're too nice." I'd like to believe these people, and sometimes I actually do, but I know better than that. I know that really, through this crusyt body of mine, I'm a monster. I was sitting in a car with one of my best friends when I splattered off this quote. I like to joke around and pick on people and so does he. Something got brought up about something nice that I did and I said this. He couldn't stop laughing. It's funny to watch him laugh. He starts cringing and rolling up into a ball and his mouth becomes a colossal size and I can't help but grin back at him.

It's this same friend that I proved that I am a monster to. This morning I was being a joking guy again and I was picking on the people in my sunday school group. I went a little far though ended up saying something pretty terrible. We're a pretty sarcarstic bunch of kids in our group, and I guess I just got in that mood of sarcasm but said somthing that went a bit over the edge.

I had to sit there for the rest of the hour and watch him cringing again. This time it was for a different reason. This time I had to watch him go through torture, pain, emotioanl catastrophe, because I was a jerk. And what's worse is that I didn't exactly own up to my faults right away.

Afterwards I was worried about him because of his episode during sunday school and so I wanted to make sure he was alright and to make sure that it was me that caused him the pain. It took a lot of waiting around for him to finally get up after the session but he darted off to the bathroom. "Great," I thought to myself sarcastically. "Now he's runnning from me."

He came out eventually and I was busy catching up with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. He tried to sneak past me, but I was too quick. I grabbed him and told him to follow me.

That's when we went into the sanctuary and it was confirmed. I am a monster.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "You made me feel bad," he responded. My stomach dropped. That's where it all went down again. I had to watch him rush feelings of sorrow at me, and I WAS THE CAUSE OF IT. And that's where this saying almost comes true.

The only times I have ever even slightly felt suicidal in my life is when I know I've hurt someone. And to know that I hurt someone that I love a lot, kills me even more. Those are the times when I wished that I could just shoot myself, drink some poison, or break my arms, and it would all be better. But it won't be better. In fact, it would only make things worse. So now I sit with my own punishment, the wish for death, and torture of guilt. Sorrow. It's the life of a monster.

(P.S. I don't want a lot of responses or mailings or anything talking about how I shouldn't kill myself. Everyone should know that I would never do such a thing and I'm just expressing the way I feel to you. Please don't bug me about that.)

The Monster I've Become

Have you ever read The Never Ending Story? In this story a young boy is transported into a book to a mythical make-believe world along with his friends. However, the world is slowly being eaten by a dark gas called The Nothing. He loses two friends to the nothing. In the story he says, "If I was fighting against something, I could have saved them. But I was fighting against nothing so I couldn't." I think that is what is inside my mind right now. I have it wrapped around a Nothing and it's really bothering me. But because I don't know what it is I can't fight it or even begin to understand it. It creeps up on me in the worst of times and saddens me to state I didn't know possible. And I fear that I am the problem.

For the past four days this has seriously bothered me and I couldn't do anything about it. In my last post I attempted to explain some of the things I was bothering myself about, but I couldn't understand it still. So yesterday was one of the most beautiful days I have seen in quite some time. I decided I would utilize it and hopefully whatever this mood that I'm coming down with would disappear. I got done with my homework super early today and took a drive to my church an entire hour early. I decided I would appreciate the countryside that my church lies on and relax a bit in the softened ground. I took my camera too and I took a lot of beautiful pictures and that always makes me happy. Looking at the little things that we step on everyday in a different way, makes life seem much more beautiful. We even spent most of our time during church outside relaxing. When we got inside I was feeling wonderful and I could have sworn that I was all cured from my Blues (or whatever they are.)

Then it hit that night. Harder than I could have hoped for. That Nothing came back with full force and pushed me to the edge of suicide, kinda. And it was fueled by something I did. I did thet worst possible thing I think I could ever do. That night I think I hurt one of my friends. Or at least angered him. I was bothering him all night long about something, and I think he has kind of associated me with annoying now. This person is a really neat person that I really like to talk to. I guess I was just trying to hard to be his friend. And now I know that I was a monster to him. But he's not just the only one. I bet other people see me this way as well. Obnoxious and uncaring, is probably underneath this facade. I know I've let other people down in my life and I probably caused grief for other friends also. I've imposed one too many times and look what it has turned me into. I've allowd all of this to happen. And because of that I have created a Nothing in my head and it's eating me from the inside out. I am a monster and I have spawned one too. What's more I can't listen to my music except for the Blues, and it's raining like a madman today. I swear this is all an omen. I guess I just apologize for my monster inside. I will control it, and keep it locked up from now on. "Don't look at the monster I've become."