Dance Like a Fool

I haven't visited this in a lifetime and my writings are generations old. I need to keep up on this. I say a lot of stuff that I "need" to do. Sometimes I wonder if saying that I need to do something automatically means I won't do it.

I hope that my sudden return is welcomed. I have faded from this place and I wonder if those around me have too. Speaking of fading. I'm afraid that I have more than just faded from a writing post; I have distanced myself from my close walk with God himself. My first love. It does and kind of doesn't surprise me that He knew it would happen. He wrote it down. We would stray and I did.

Over a year since I have written....have I changed? Yes, even I can see that. My walk with God isn't as close. I know He's there and I know He's watching. I even talk to Him sometimes. I don't have that connection with Him like I used to tho. I don't listen to Him nearly as often and I don't turn to Him on a regular basis with my daily debate with life. (No reference to suicide.) I see myself not as sure of even a concrete foundation anymore.

I miss it.

I miss being close, having an answered prayer, praying to a Father who treats me like His son.

I'm writing again because I saw that one of my last posts was on resolutions. I realize that I need to set some more. I want to keep up. For those of you who may be reading, thank you. Thank you for thinking on this situation and possibly hoping that my goals are reached. If you do not speak that is ok. I will always have one reader.

A while ago, while attending a week long Christian organization I was asked what I wanted to achieve with my walk with God that week. I was general. "I want to grow closer to God." I meant that. I had no specific need I just wanted to be in a place where i physically as well as emotionally and all those other ally's FEEL God.

I want that again.

Let's pick it up people. Let's get this show moving again. Let's continue this young boy's adventure.

Earth's Staircase

Standing in my chucks.
Just standing.
My camo shorts
Bagging out at the end
My bright green tee
My hair wavering in the breezes
Clings to my face like a web across my eyes

I stare at the eucalyptus
Just staring
And search for its top.

I feel dread
Just feeling
But I wash it away
Pack my innards with thrill
The coruscating sun attempts to blind me
Like the smoke of burning bridges behind me

I’m climbing it
Just climbing
My calves are pulling
I feel their strands stretching,
Snapping the twines and
My foot falls.
But my forearms relieve me
With a circular grip scrunched around the sandy bark.

The bumps and edges cut my skin
Just cutting
And I grow calloused
But I am met with prickling needles

Jabbing in me
Just jabbing
Catching the threads
Undoing the seamstresses work.

I’m losing the pain in my legs
Just losing
It’s fading
Just fading
I lose the needles sight
Just blinding
branches fly away.
Just flying
The blue sky turns white
Just turning
I can’t breathe the heavy air.
Just dying…

i lose my hands,
my eyes,
my toungue,
my nose,
my ears
all….

I’m lost in the white,
floating,
flying,
fleeing…

Like the blast of a bomb the ridged branch slaps against my back.
The needles, the branches, the scraping bark,
It’s all around me again in a sudden burst.
The air is heavier,
The branches are heavier,
My arms are heavier.

The sight down looks like a sweet escape,
Like the secret passage of a dark mansion.

No.

Look up.
I can go one more.
Darkness, needles, sharp pains and bruises. Aching.
Just aching
All till the top.

I know
Just knowing
I can’t see it.
I can’t feel it
I can’t breathe it
I can’t hear it.

But it’s there.
It’s bright, it shines, it blinds,
It radiates and exudes all the pain.
I will see the forest tops,
I will feel the breeze,
I will touch the sky,
I will talk to the birds,
I will taste the sweetest apples.
I will win.
Just winning.

17 years of thought

So much changes. So much of me wants to take the insides and make the green. So much of me is beginning to look like elephants in the sky. I can't stay the same anymore. And my mind is starting to wander a lot. I have things under my belt, and unfortunately one of them is age. With age I grow envy, possibly green, possibly blue, possibly bright fuchia (i only wish.) I want my youth, I want those memories to be lived again, I want to return and rerun through the grass and climb the trees and laugh once again like I once did. But I contradict myself. I want to understand, I want to understand the integral of a derivatives sine, I want to understand the existentials and their lives, and I want to understand the meaning of life and its counterparts. I want to put the world into an artistic perspective that inludes the ever so cliche love and peace. I want to show others my view in a frame, a white frame, sometimes black, but never grey. I am scared of the future but I want it and am hopeful. I think on the end of my life, and I think on the beginning of my new one. I think on the serial murders and the decapitation and I think on the laughter of the friends and the wooing of the fallen one. My mind races and I try to halt it, I try to think of white and I try to lose my thoughts and I try to lay sleeping dreamless and yet I want to explore the land of imaginary, so much I want to live there. I want to be more than I seem and I want to be simple. I am no longer me am I, I am no longer who I was, my mind has changed and I am beginning to fall into it like all those around me, like I was warned with a beating stick, like i should have seen coming. God I'm grateful for wha I do have and I am grateful for the heart you put inside me, no matter the size, and God I want to become well acquainted with all and You, thank-you for life.