17 years of thought

So much changes. So much of me wants to take the insides and make the green. So much of me is beginning to look like elephants in the sky. I can't stay the same anymore. And my mind is starting to wander a lot. I have things under my belt, and unfortunately one of them is age. With age I grow envy, possibly green, possibly blue, possibly bright fuchia (i only wish.) I want my youth, I want those memories to be lived again, I want to return and rerun through the grass and climb the trees and laugh once again like I once did. But I contradict myself. I want to understand, I want to understand the integral of a derivatives sine, I want to understand the existentials and their lives, and I want to understand the meaning of life and its counterparts. I want to put the world into an artistic perspective that inludes the ever so cliche love and peace. I want to show others my view in a frame, a white frame, sometimes black, but never grey. I am scared of the future but I want it and am hopeful. I think on the end of my life, and I think on the beginning of my new one. I think on the serial murders and the decapitation and I think on the laughter of the friends and the wooing of the fallen one. My mind races and I try to halt it, I try to think of white and I try to lose my thoughts and I try to lay sleeping dreamless and yet I want to explore the land of imaginary, so much I want to live there. I want to be more than I seem and I want to be simple. I am no longer me am I, I am no longer who I was, my mind has changed and I am beginning to fall into it like all those around me, like I was warned with a beating stick, like i should have seen coming. God I'm grateful for wha I do have and I am grateful for the heart you put inside me, no matter the size, and God I want to become well acquainted with all and You, thank-you for life.